Margo RobinsonIt started in my life at a time when should have been experiencing joy and happiness. My second child had just been born and we had come home from the hospital and yet I felt unhappy and sad. I was crying much of the time and when I went to the doctor he prescribed Vallium; the drug of choice at the time. He advised my husband to take me out a few times a week or I could end up in the hospital. We arranged a sitter and left or two little children and went out. Still I felt depressed. At times I would feel this impulse to throw my baby out the window and I was afraid I might actually do so. The whole experience was a lonely frightening one. In those days there were no support groups for what I later found out was "post partum depression". Vallium was also a depressant so it was not a helpful medication for depression.
Finally, after 6 months, the depression finally lifted and I experienced joy and well being once again. I was happy that this was behind me now. But this was not to be. This was only the beginning of a life long journey of ebbing and flowing depressive moods. For many years, I blamed it on the circumstances of a dysfunctional home and of living with a man who had an untreated mood disorder of his own. Once the marriage ended though, I was still depressed. From time to time over the years I had tried antidepressants but never for any length of time. Now, on my own and still depressed, I found self-medication in alcohol which worked quite well for a while. Eventually though, it made my depression worse and the alcohol became a problem as well. Finally in 1998 a counsellor suggested that I try antidepressants so she could help me; apparently, I was too depressed to counsel. I began taking antidepressants from that time, trying four different medications over the next three years. They would work for awhile then stop working so I would have to try another one.
In late 2000 I was starting to download music on the computer and I became obsessed with it. I would sit there all day and all night looking for songs. I was trying to get as many songs as possible. I felt so good. Better than I ever felt in my whole life. It was just such a wonderful feeling. Then, I started to clean. I’d go into the bathroom at 2am and wouldn’t come out until 5am because I’d find so much to clean. My hands ended up a mess, raw from all the cleaning I did. I sorted everything, organized it all. Ideas popped into my head so fast I could hardly keep track of them. They were all such great, original ideas too; I even purchased a vacuum cleaner online. Eventually I started to get some anxiety mixed in with my good mood and I also became impatient when others didn’t respond quickly to my ideas or demands. In fact I would get angry if I was criticised or even gently asked to adjust my behaviour. After a month things reached a crescendo and I couldn’t take the war of emotional battle within me so I asked a friend to take me to emergency. There I was admitted and assessed.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II in 2001 while at the hospital. This came as a surprise to me because I had always presented as depressed. Yet, if I really think back to some of the nights when I was married, I recall I couldn’t sleep. I’d be up the entire night and I would spend that night sorting, organizing, cleaning, baking, doing laundry, chopping vegetables or whatever else I could find to do. I didn’t focus very much on my behaviour back then; being co-dependent as well as depressed, my entire focus was on my sick husband and his behaviour. Once I had the bipolar diagnosis and was stabilized I was discharged from the hospital. I was told about the Mood Disorders Association and their afternoon support group in Vancouver. I attended for a few weeks and felt at home there. Unfortunately I had to discontinue because we had a bus strike that lasted for 4 months and I couldn’t get to the meetings. As soon as I could, I began attending the groups again. During this time I also went into a mental health education day program for six months and enrolled myself in other programs I thought would benefit me.
Life went on with bouts of manageable depression. Then in 2006, I had some changes happen in my life; some stressors that brought on a manic episode. After the inevitable crash, everything I did or thought aboutslowed, then almost stopped. At first my depression was grey like a fog or an illusion, then it got darker and denser, and then it just became black; a pattern of feelings I had experienced for many years. I was mostly in bed for four months; I hardly ever got dressed or went out, I seldom showered or washed. I couldn’t read anymore and I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t answer the phone. I was isolated.
It was my partner, a new relationship of only nine months, who said that he couldn’t go on with things the way they were, he needed help with this situation and he went to an MDA family support group. I then remembered that I had also been to the Mood Disorders Association five years ago; I decided to return to the support group. I made a vow to myself that no matter what I felt like or how I looked or what I wore that I’d be at that group every Tuesday and Thursday. At first I’d tell the group I was depressed and not tell them much else. I kept coming to the group and little by little I started to feel better. I had isolated for four months and I had thought of only myself. Now I had the opportunity and the place to share in other people’s lives and offer my hand of hope, strength, support and caring to them. I received but I also gave and it was a good feeling to be able to help someone. I found I wasn’t alone, that there were other people who felt just like I did and there was even someone who had been depressed but now felt well. I wanted to hear from him. As I began to get well myself, I could see that the group was for everyone and that it was important to hang around so others could see that it is possible to get free of depression. I learned there is hope and depression may not be a forever thing.
The MDA has done so much for me. I gave me hope when I no longer had any hope left. I was so discouraged the first day I walked through that door. Yet afterwards, I came away with just a ray of hope and a lighter step having been encouraged and welcomed by the group. After a few months in the group I was also able to say that it is possible to get well from depression because I did too. Within a few months I took a program called WRAP which stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan which has proven to be another excellent tool I have to use in my own program of recovery; possibly I will teach this to others one day! I have also taken the Changeways Core Group on Depression/Cognitive Therapy and Assertiveness and Relaxation, another program that has really made a difference in my life.
I have now been facilitating the Tuesday MDA Support group for seven months. I applied to Vancouver Coastal Health to be a peer support worker and was accepted into the training program which I am doing now. MDA has given me support that has made me a supporter so that I may now give back to the community. I will always be grateful for this fabulous association.
Margo Robinson
