My name is Marilyn. I was born into a family of four siblings; my childhood was what you would call dysfunctional. I sometimes feel maybe I would have been more emotionally balanced if it were not for my growing up in chaos. I have met people with similar backgrounds as myself; they seem to deal with life more effectively than I do. I fought for years to accept that I have bipolar disorder. My moods started going downhill in my early teens even though my mother used to tell me my tantrums were extreme at quite an early age. I remember writing the most depressing poetry in my teens thinking it was so profound and looking at it now it is very disturbing. I started using substances early in life because I never felt I fit in and drugs and alcohol helped me feel good. I did not realize I was starting a snowball effect of depression, euphoria, compulsiveness, raging and suicidal thinking sometimes all within the same day or even hour!
During this time, I tried doctors and they all said I needed antidepressants. In my previous experience antidepressants made me manic and more apt to do compulsive behaviors such as drinking spending, eating, and being promiscuous. I put myself in treatment for addiction and did quite well for short periods but the craziness kept coming back. Feeling suicidal most times and unable to deal with life I put on a good façade like a lot of us do. I had the good job and I looked very together but could not stand myself or the way I felt. Life to me was a burden I did not want to live but I did not know how to end it. Fortunately, when I was 30 I found a wonderful man and we decided to have a child; that was when I decided I needed to get serious about my life, I needed some answers. I was blessed with an amazing doctor (finally) and she referred me to St. Paul’s Hospital’s psychiatric department. At St. Paul’s I did lots of cognitive therapy, had one-on-one time with a psychiatrist, attended group therapy and took medication. It took many years to find the right meds but I am now 43 and find lithium and respiridone have worked the best. I stay away from caffeine, sugar and alcohol and make exercise, especially yoga, part of my routine. I still have rough days but my husband and good friends have supported me through so much. I still get angry at times wondering why I have to go through this; I wonder why God picked me. If I look at the positives of this disease I see that I happen to be very creative, compassionate, intuitive, imaginative, full of spunk (especially in my manic phases) and all together a very strong human being. Some people see mental illness as a weakness, which is so far from the truth. To be able to get through to the other side takes an inner strength that is to be respected and not looked up on as weak.
Marilyn
